without you (i'm not alright)
by writing for the braindead
Summary: a request fic from an anon on tumblr / prompt: a fic where ventus has dissociative identity disorder. / AU-Vanven


**{1}**

Vanitas met Ventus first. The genuine Ventus, the forever-smiling college student, who wore knitted cardigans and drank tea and worked overtime at a nearby animal/pet store. He was a distractingly cute blond who was exemplary at his major and a kind-hearted soul who volunteered at foster homes.

He met Ven shortly afterwards, without knowing it; walking in the pet store with a swollen, bruised cheek from karate practice, and the frantic, worried tone of voice in his ear was familiar, and yet, not so. The actual timbre was the same, but the intonation was different. A teenage boy had gone to a nearby college, but not (initially) to major in animal physiology – no, but the real Ventus was dormant in those years. The boy had gone to study in medical for two years and had done well.

That man surfaced under pressure, when somebody was hurt. A personality who grown in tandem with Ventus himself, growing at the same rate, the pair of them parallel people with different lives, and experiences, and the simple sadness of sharing a body.

Vanitas didn't realize that, at the time. After all, the last he would have suspected is that the almost-familiar voice was another _personality_. He merely assumed that Ventus knew more than Vanitas had given him credit for when it came to medical matters.

**-x-**

"Dissociative identity disorder," Ventus told him, when it became evident that they both wanted some form of relationship, something akin to love. Vanitas nodded, and pretended he actually understood what that met in practice.

Vanitas had kissed him, and in doing so, he had met V. V was random, desperate, and lethal. He broke things, had impeccable aim, barely spoke, and was a black-belt in kung-fu when he was lucid enough. Vanitas wouldn't find that out until later. He found out about V when he was punched in the jaw.

Ventus could switch in a heartbeat. Usually he was able to control it, at least to a degree, but from time to time, they slipped out, unbidden. "You punched me," Vanitas noted stupidly; that was almost a first.

"My loyalty is with Ventus. He freaked, I punched you. Don't take it personally, I have no issues with somebody with your face kissing me," Ventus snorted at him.

"Ventus?" Vanitas asked, confused, a hand against his jaw.

"No, I'm V," the man who was quite definitely not Ventus responded. This man was casual and strung and had the flippancy of somebody who was living a façade. He glared lividly; eyes were a stormy gray, fist still clenched as though preparing for another punch.

"And Ventus is…?"

"Busy," V snapped back. "You shouldn't have kissed him."

"Why?" Vanitas asked, now reaching the point of being seriously unnerved.

"Do you know anything?! Jesus, he freaks at sexual contact. It's why I punched you. Idiot," the man grouched. Vanitas couldn't believe the difference in his voice; it was so much lower than usual, the intonation wrong, the accent casual, far from the clipped consonants Vanitas was accustomed to.

"Can you tell me what's going on?"

V shrugged, heading to the cupboards, pulling out a bag of cherries. Ventus hated cherries. Vanitas was finding it difficult to make sense of anything. "Ventus thinks we have dissociative identity disorder."

"Which means?"

"Use Google," V said contemptuously. "It's not mine to explain anyway, he wants you around. Look, I've got a life. I'm gonna go."

"You're not Ventus, though."

"Yes," V replied, as though Vanitas was very slow-witted. "I know. But the store employed me too, under Ventus's name, yeah, it's easier than explaining. I'm not supposed to be around for a few more hours, but since you decided to change things…"

"But you _are_ Ventus," Vanitas said with a frantic gesticulation, at the boy he knew so well. "This is _bullshit_."

V rolled his eyes. "I repeat: Google," he muttered, and went out of the door.

**-x-**

Vanitas used Google.

_Oh god, Ventus._

**-x-**

Vanitas was waiting for him when Ventus walked in the only actual course they shared – psychology (Ventus taking the class merely because it 'seemed interesting', whereas Vanitas was taking it because it was his actual major) Hi," he said instantly. "Alright, so I think I owe you an explanation…"

"Does the university and the pet store know?" Vanitas asked quickly. Ventus stopped mid-sentence, nodded, looking a little uncomfortable.

"Yes. I told them from the beginning. I'm a good veterinarian and I'm good at my major. V is technically also employed by the store as a clerk and the university, under my name though. As long as he's in the university, he lets himself be called Ventus. He hates it, though. He's very much adamant that he has his own identity."

"You talk about him like he's a separate person," Vanitas asked edgily. Ventus's brow contracted slightly.

"Yes," Ventus replied simply. "The argument may stand that he's a mental projection, but we're in no way near integrating. It works as it is. My mind separated into different people. Some are full identities, with their own lives… some are just shadows, and really… you'll meet the kids at some stage…"

"The kids?!" Vanitas asked, with wide eyes and visible alarm. Ventus smiled oddly.

"Yes. Venus is about five, we think, and T is about nine. He thought it was cool that V only had an initial for a name, so he called himself T. V and I are both twenty, Ven's nearly twenty-two; although, he's not sure," Ventus explained, shrugging slightly. "I understand if it's too much," he murmured, very quietly.

"What happened to you?" Vanitas asked, his mind flicking through possibilities, through internet sites where victims spoke of trauma, abuse, hurt.

Ventus's light smile fell away entirely. "I don't know," he said, quite honestly. "V knows, I think, but he won't tell. There are some people in here," he said, gesturing vaguely towards his head, "who know. I'm the central personality, the 'original', if you will. I don't know how everybody knows that, but they do, so I don't have the option of going. I can't know. Whatever it was broke me into pieces. I can't afford to know. Also, I'd appreciate you not telling anybody about this."

"Ok," Vanitas managed. He couldn't pretend this made much sense. Ventus was not merely Ventus, but a collection of different people. Ventus himself looked intensely nervous. Clearly, he didn't expect Vanitas to stay; he barely expected Vanitas to keep this secret, the best-kept secret Vanitas had come across in a while. "Can I meet them?"

Ventus's expression was priceless. "Erm… well, yes. Yes, I should think so. I just… there isn't a specific science to explain this, you know."

"I know," Vanitas admitted. "I've been reading up on it, while you were gone. Just… tell me. If I'm about to accidently make you switch…"

"You're up to date on the terminology already, fantastic," Ventus teased.

"So how many do you have in there?" Vanitas asked, taking another sip from the cup of coffee he'd poured about the time he'd read the statistics on how many DID sufferers had experienced severe sexual abuse.

"There's me, V, Ven – who you've technically met, by the way – Venus, T, Venny, the Protector…"

"What?"

"Doesn't have a name, he's just called the Protector," Ventus said, still watching Vanitas's expression carefully. "There are a couple of other shadows, too. We call them shadows, anyway. And yes, Venny and Venus are girls."

"Your alternate personalities are…"

"Female, yes," Ventus agreed. "They don't come out often, the kids only come out when it's a very safe situation, and Venny hates coming out and… Look, I'm sorry if this is too much, I do understand if…"

"It's ok," Vanitas said quickly, placing a hand on Ventus's. Ventus's breath snatched slightly. "Ventus, I like you. I don't know how this will work…"

"You want to try and make it work?" Ventus asked, looking incredibly skeptical. Vanitas blinked, and nodded, expression screaming _why not?_

Ventus wanted to try and explain all of the reasons why. To tell Vanitas that he had never had a real relationship. That V was hypersexual, Ven was asexual, and he himself had never been properly kissed. That he didn't know how to relate to anybody properly any more. That he only had his work left to keep him tethered, and had long since given up the idea of being with somebody.

At the same time, he really liked Vanitas. He really liked Vanitas. He was trustful albeit being careful to trust others; he was caring, but he only showed it to people who he regarded special to him. He was physically attractive. He was strong-willed, he was intelligent. He gave the impression of being completely dependable, and that was what Ventus craved more than anything.

So he nodded, despite himself. "I don't want you to stay out of pity," Ventus said carefully, looking carefully at the floor. "If this gets out of hand, and it could do, just leave. Please. Promise me that."

Vanitas reached out to him, a hand under his chin, lifting his head. "Ventus, I'm not promising to leave. And I don't pity you. Not in the slightest."

"Keep it that way," Ventus said carefully. "So. What now?"

"Dinner?" Vanitas suggested. Ventus smiled shyly, and nodded.

**-x-**

Vanitas had sex with V that night. He had dinner with Ventus, and at some stage in the car on the way home, he lost Ventus in favor of V. V threw himself at Vanitas in the car, kissing him with a ferocious passion that Vanitas knew wasn't Ventus's.

"Hold on. Does this count as cheating?" Vanitas asked when they broke away for a frantic moment. V threw back his head, laughing raucously, too loudly. So unlike Ventus's.

"You're fucking gorgeous, and I want you. Talk to Ventus in the morning," V suggested, breathing hotly into Vanitas's ear, biting his earlobe. "We've never had this situation before."

Vanitas tried to push him away, was met with V giving a low whine. "Ventus..."

"I'm not Ventus," V told him sharply, looking into his eyes with an incredible expression.

Vanitas's breath caught for a moment. Looking at him, it was obvious – it was not Ventus. From the way he acted to the way he held himself, it was _not_ Ventus. Yet it was, and he was so very beautiful, and irresistible, and grinding against him with need that was utterly palpable.

"Okay," Vanitas replied. "Am I cheating on Ventus?"

"You tell me," V growled, and squeezed the raging erection Vanitas had been trying to deny. Events rapidly unfolded from there, culminating in the pair of them on Ventus's sofa, on his bed, undoing one another.

**-x-**

At three in the morning, drowsy and sated, Vanitas officially met Ven.

Ven was in dressing gown, tidying the kitchen in obsessive, neat rows. Vanitas tapped on the door, startling him, nearly causing him to drop the glass he was holding.

"Hello," Vanitas said with an uncertain smile.

"Vanitas," the man replied, and the raven was quick to realize that it was neither Ventus nor V he was speaking to. "Yes, I… sorry, about this. I'm Ven. I'm, erm, another… another personality, Ventus explained this better, I…"

"Yes," Vanitas managed, rubbing sleep from his eyes, as Ven replaced the glasses and plates in frighteningly neat rows. "It's… nice to meet you, I think."

"Sorry, I'm not usually out," Ven said, his entire posture very twitchy. "It's just… we woke up, and there's not usually somebody around, in bed I mean, so… V was busy, and Ventus, and I… well, yes."

"Its fine," Vanitas tried again, trying to calm Ven down. "Are you alright? It's early."

"Yes, I, erm, I have problems with mess," he said, gesturing shakily at the glasses. "I just needed to do something, and my head was all over the place, so I just… I mean, I don't like medication, I know Ventus and V think we need it, but…"

"Really, it's ok," Vanitas said, smiling. This version of Ventus, this man, standing in Ventus's kitchen, seemed utterly nervous and adorably shy. "I can leave you alone, if you want?"

"I… you can stay, if you'd like. I could make some tea, or coffee, or…"

"Coffee would be perfect," Vanitas said smoothly, leaning against the cabinets, letting the man wearing Ventus's body make it. Ven smiled at him uncertainly, confidence growing as Vanitas continued to lazily grin, chatting to him about nothing in particular.

They continued until Ven started to yawn; Vanitas led him into the bedroom, tucked him into bed, and left to sleep on the sofa.

**-x-**

"You are aware of his condition?" Eraqus (the uptight manager of the pet store) asked sharply. Vanitas leaned against the desk, expression dark and unforgiving.

"He told me what he wants to tell me. This has nothing to do with you."

"Ventus can only be employed as long as he remains stable," Eraqus sighed, not appreciative of Vanitas's histrionics. "For the last few years, however he did it, he's kept himself mentally stable. Look, I'll send you his history and medical records. He has a whole future ahead of him, which can easily fall apart if something goes wrong."

"Explain," Vanitas said curtly.

"His personalities are erratic. He has been suicidal in the past, unable to control his switches, et cetera," Eraqus explained, voice flat, stabbing daggers. "He is also very intelligent. If he has a breakdown, he has access to the keys that will unlock any animal shelter facility in this city as well as all the animals that are taken care of in these facilities – that could cause a lot of damage for his reputation; he could be charged for animal abuse if he does something he'll regret."

"And you think my involvement could cause damage?" Vanitas asked rhetorically.

Eraqus didn't smile. "I think anything that disrupts the way he is used to, could cause damage. Be careful, Vanitas. He is very valuable. I will be very irritated if you lose us an excellent Veterinarian. I'll give you his records. You should know what you're dealing with."

**-x-**

Vanitas debated whether he should read them. He should really give Ventus the chance to tell him himself. But if Ventus didn't know, then he was relying on V or somebody else, and V was somewhat unlikely to tell him.

He read a story of a boy, and couldn't blame him for letting his mind tear apart as it had. An adolescent, a teenager, an adult. He wondered how Ventus was even still alive, being abused as a child. He wondered at what stage Ventus had finally escaped into himself, run away from a world of unbelievable pain, and splintered into various parts.

He read of the young man who went to medical school, managed two years, was sectioned, tried to die. He read medical reports that spoke of the emergence of a personality who had stayed hidden for years, and was now trying to take back his own body, was failing, was trying, was fighting.

He read of the same young man taking control over his own mind and body. The 'central' personality taking charge, a man who loved animals, who sought and found a job as a Vet in an animal shelter, proved he was stable. The reports claiming he was too valuable to discard, and merely needed monitoring. So they did; Ventus could only go to certain locations, always under surveillance. If V was out of control, he was confined to Ventus's apartment. If another unauthorized personality took over, he was again confined.

He was under weekly monitoring from a specialist, who advised on whether or not Ventus was alright to continue working. Everybody in the animal shelter and the people withholding authority in the university understood the parameters.

Vanitas shut the file after reading more into the blonde's past and breathed deeply. This was far out of his sphere. Ventus held the perfect veneer of normality over a past and present that was a very long way from normal.

He thought of Ventus, and the pieces of Ventus he'd met. The decision was easy. He was already in love with Ventus, with Ven, with V. In different ways, certainly, but he did love them. Ventus was everything; he was the bright intelligence, and humor, and quirky antics. Ven was shy, and gentle, and loving. V was passion, and fire, and destruction, and sexuality.

"Ventus?" he said softly. "Yes, it's me; would you want to get a drink?"

**-x-**

The kids were lovely. T was a bit petulant, but Venus was a lovely little girl. A surreal thought, given that Venus lived in the body of a twenty year old man.

Venus appeared after several weeks of them dating. Ventus and Vanitas had reached the stage of curling together with Vanitas on the sofa while watching TV, Ventus trusting him enough to stay close and knowing that Vanitas would not hurt him.

Ventus had been very quiet, and then, abruptly started fidgeting. Vanitas had laughed a little, before realizing that Ventus was no longer Ventus.

"Who're you?" asked a light voice. Somebody who wasn't Ventus looked up at him, through wide eyes, biting his lip in a way that was not sexual but purely childish, and Vanitas understood.

"I'm Vanitas," the raven said, with as genuine a smile as he could manage under the circumstances. "I'm guessing you're… Venus?"

The child looking back at him grinned happily, and then giggled, nodding.

"M'bored," Venus told him, biting her nails.

Vanitas had literally no idea what to do. Venus took the choice out of his hands; she poked him, and giggled. Vanitas poked back. Venus exploded with laughter, and poked back. Vanitas poked. She poked. Vanitas ended up tickling her until she shrieked with laughter.

"Stop, stop," she yelped at him, batting him off playfully. "Stop _stop __**stop**_," he continued, and Vanitas somehow missed the new inflexion, and how her body language had changed. "_Please, stop_."

Vanitas backed off faster than he had imagined he could move, leaving somebody who wasn't Venus, and wasn't Ventus, curled in the middle of the living room, sobbing.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly.

The boy curled further into himself, and continued to cry, curled in a painfully tight fetal position. "It's alright," Vanitas said carefully, trying to move a little closer. The boy didn't speak. When Vanitas gently placed a hand on his shoulder, he gave a sudden, shrieking wail. The amber-eyed raven hushed him. "It's alright, really, I'm not going to hurt you."

The kid hiccupped tears. Vanitas's heart was breaking; it was Ventus, it was **his** Ventus, blonde hair poking at random angles and long limbs tucked into themselves, crying his heart out via somebody who wasn't even _him_.

After a lifetime of coaxing, the blonde twisted into him, held onto Vanitas, and let the raven curl arms around him. The thing that was almost Ventus cried forever, sobbing himself to sleep without a word, curled against Vanitas's chest.

**-x-**

"I'm sorry," Ventus said eventually. Vanitas found him making a cup of tea, at midnight. "I don't think it was a proper personality, a shadow, I think."

"It's fine. Venus's a lovely kid," Vanitas said simply, and drank his coffee.

Ventus stopped what he was doing, for a fractional second, before continuing. Ventus couldn't quite believe it.

Vanitas_ didn't mind_.

**{2}**

Vanitas had fallen in love with Ventus. The more time he spent with him, the more he was absolutely certain that he was completely and entirely in love with Ventus.

He cared for Ven as one might do a close friend; he was anxious and clever, and very shy. They went out for drinks once in a while, they talked about various things, and they were good friends. They didn't talk much about anything upsetting, as it was an almost certain way to trigger a switch.

He and V had a purely physical relationship; he was almost impossible to conduct conversations with, as he tended to be more concerned with work or sex or alcohol or anything else than with actual conversation. He was literally condensed energy.

He cared for the kids, on the rare occasions when they appeared, and dealt with shadows that wept or shouted or were completely catatonic, on one terrifying occasion. He began to learn how Ventus's singular mind worked, and adapted with it.

It was _worlds away_ from easy.

**-x-**

"Vanitas, focus. If you haven't noticed," their psychology gestured to their lecture hall, voice laden with sarcasm. "You have a test, and you certainly have no time to get distracted."

Vanitas, out of the corner of his eye, saw Ventus smile a bit. The raven smirked slightly and attempted an effort to get a passing grade on the test.

When they finished, they were allowed to leave. It took Vanitas exactly an hour to finish the fifty-question test – a good thing, considering most people took longer than he did.

Ventus wasn't most people, obviously.

The blue-eyed blonde was outside the room, waiting for the raven to finish his test. And when Vanitas walked over, Ventus smiled and threw his arms around the raven's neck – a surprising but pleasant action.

One day, Ventus would work on integrating. On taking the fragments of himself, bundling them together, shifting them into one, complete person. For now, it was enough that he was alive and well. He was, safely, with somebody who at least tried to understand.

When Vanitas and Ventus arrived home – _and when exactly had Ventus's apartment become home?_ – Ventus stopped in front of the door before standing on his tiptoes and holding Vanitas's hand. The blonde took a light breath and pressed a kiss to Vanitas's lips.

"I love you," Vanitas said in a strange rush. "All of you. But you, Ventus. I mean..."

Ventus raised a mocking eyebrow. "I understand," he said, his smile bright, eyes shining with trust. He breathed out, looking briefly to the floor, before returning to look into Vanitas's eyes. Vanitas was everything, to every different person Ventus was.

And to Ventus, just Ventus himself, the man standing in front of him – with dark raven hair and glowing amber eyes – was Vanitas. His Vanitas. "I love you too," he said haltingly.

Vanitas smiled, and locked him into a hug. Ventus breathed out with relief, with happiness, with disbelief. He had never expected this. He had never thought he would be loved like this.

He wrapped his arms around Vanitas's neck, anchoring himself, and prayed they would never have to let go.


End file.
